Duzen- mit Du anreden (to address someone with Du [informal] you) „Du“ signalisiert soziale Nähe, Sympathie, Intimität. „Sie“ steht für soziale Distanz, Neutralität und Respekt (Du indicates closeness, sympathy and intimacy. Sie stands for social distance, neutrality and respect)
I had to think of this verb over the weekend when I saw someone whom I’d met a while ago and had seen on several occasions before. I didn’t know whether to address him formally (as he is older than I am) or informally (we’ve met several times before). The first time I heard this verb in context was one day at work earlier this year, and I had no idea what it meant until it was explained to me. To give you a little context, this happened in the copy room of a school where I teach. I was having difficulties doing something on the machine and a professor offered to help me. I had crossed paths with this gentleman a few times before (in the copy room and hallways), and we had previously introduced ourselves so he knew who I was. He wanted to show me something and started by saying “Du musst…” (you must…) and then asked “Wir können duzen, oder?"
Now let me walk you through a common situation in my day to day life, wherein someone has just asked me a question but I do not know what the verb in the question means, so naturally I end up with a deer in the headlights look. When you are new in a language it’s natural to first translate things into your L1 (native language) in your head, which is what I did, and ended up with the English question “We can (unknown verb), right?” I replied, “Bitte?” which is the equivalent of, “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand.” He then went on to explain the meaning of the verb, namely to address each other informally, as opposed to formally (siezen).
I’ve encountered the formal versus informal question before when studying Spanish. I had always learned that there is an Usted form, used to address someone formally. In Italian this kind of distinction, from what I remember, was more relevant in written form (addressing someone formally) than in spoken form, where it was mostly familiar (informal). However, I should admit I don’t have much experience with using either language in social or work situations in a country where it’s spoken natively (like I do with German). Most of the time when I would address someone it was on familiar terms (tu in both Spanish and Italian) as when I did speak in these languages it was usually somewhere that wasn’t a Spanish speaking or Italian speaking country, thus the concept of formality was somehow pushed aside. This distinction based on interpersonal relationships is something speakers of English find dodgy at times, as we don’t have such a difference when addressing other people, it’s always just “you.” I found a flow chart that through a series of questions can diagnose a social situation to determine whether Du or Sie should be used and found it to be quite a good summary.
I like the part where it asks “Have you gotten drunk with this person?” where if the answer is “yes,” then the Du form is acceptable. I guess it stands to reason that drinking with someone to the point of intoxication would engender mutual informality, perhaps some degree of informality we’d rather (and with some cases do in point of fact) forget. But what about the majority of times you want to address someone without a liter of beer or cocktail in your hand? As a non-native speaker I can recall plenty of times I walked away from a conversation with someone where I thought, “Why did I use the Du form with that person?” As we’ve seen so far the answer to that question is dependent on a number of factors considering, but not limited to: the social proximity to that person (is this a co-worker, a clerk in a shop, a stranger?), whether or not it’s the first encounter, where this encounter is taking place, what are you doing at the time, all of these preferably considered before the conversation, not after.
What even further complicates the matter is that using the Sie form with someone you could have used the Du form with can be equally embarrassing given the connotations, namely those associated with the Sie form, which the other person may feel in the given context did not apply to them. I face this situation often when I address people the same age (or thereabouts) and I just let the context influence the level of formality. If you know the person, obviously informal is acceptable. If it’s a friend of a friend, informal is also fine. If it’s a shop or any kind of service encounter, I go with Sie. If it’s the first time meeting someone and I’m not sure, I start with Sie the first few verbs, then just switch to Du, as if the previous two or three minutes of interaction imply a new level of familiarity (beyond our common age range). But with people older than me I default to Sie.
So then is it simply an issue of age? Should I just use the Sie form with people who are older than me, and the Du form for people younger than me or of the same age group? Well, yes and no. I can think of times when people younger than me have addressed me with the Sie form. However, I can also think of plenty of people older than me that I use the Du form with as well as people older than me who have addressed me in the Sie form. On the same token of Du indicating a shared feeling of closeness, I think someone older than you addressing you with the Sie form can also be considered tantamount to a mutual respect, which is to say, someone else (probably someone you yourself would have addressed as Sie) also considers you in a formal capacity.
There are hierarchies in social interaction that are apparent regardless if people discuss them or not. In any given situation these thoughts and questions are in the background where you try to figure out exactly how you fit in the mix in relation to others, all of this is subtly dictating the choices you make on how to address the person you are speaking to. Is there a degree of authority to consider? For example when in the immigration office it’s clear that I address the person opposite me with the Sie form, not the informal Du form as obviously the person on the other end of the table is an authority figure, namely, a state authority figure (beurocrat or Beamter). When you address someone with Du, does that also imply that you are friends with that person? Is it like we are both members of the Du Club, where we both consider each other equals? In short, yeah, kind of. There’s something about a “Du” conversation that feels more relaxed than a “Sie” conversation, and I dare say, more familiar. Sometimes the topics can even change when you are “auf Du” with someone, which is to say, you may talk about different topics with someone you consider on an informal level than you would with someone on a formal level, and the differences between those topics (perhaps ones that are more personal) may lead to this perceived difference in closeness which pervades the discussion of Du versus Sie.
To the best of my understanding, the question of formal or informal is one of context and tacit permission. There are some cases, as I have found in the work place and other social settings, (“Die Du Grenze,” the Du borders) where you are not sure and by mistake could cross the line of perceived appropriateness and address someone as Du where you should have used Sie, which can be a bit embarrassing, particularly for the person who used the wrong form. Then there are cases, such as my copy room story, where someone offers the use of the familiar form directly and you know it is acceptable. My personal rule for “duzen,” is to keep in mind the context of the conversation, consider the relation to the other person and more often than not, you’ll know which way to go.
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